VisibleWomanOnline

Ladies, you know life can become emotionally complicated when you know what you want, but you aren't sure how to get it.  Let me be more specific. If you have ever been in an intimate situation and the experience has been less than. . .  satisfying, it can be an unfulfilled encounter. 

What do you say when your body is yearning for one thing and your partner is doing something else?   Do you go through the motions or do you try to direct your partner?  What do you do if your partner will not let you . . . direct?  What do you do?  We know that nothing changes for the better simply because we hope it will.  Intimacy is no different. If your sexual encounters are leaving you feeling empty and frustrated it is ultimately up to
you to do something about it. Your partner is not a mind reader.  There are times when there must be open dialogue about the sexual aspect of your relationship. Whether you have a great sex life (wow!), an okay sex life (it can get better) or want a sex life (different issue entirely), there may come a point when you and your partner will need to engage in a dialogue about it. 

There is no such thing as the best time or place for this discussion. But if it must take place, and it must, then it is a good idea not to bring up this delicate discussion during sex. Rather it should be addressed in a comfortable setting.  It may not be the easiest topic to broach, but if you care about preserving the relationship there is no other alternative then to take a deep breath and dive in.  I know I’ve been there. There are a number of ways to bring up your needs outside of the bedroom, and none of them need to be presented like an indictment. However, it does take some planning.

An inquisitive approach. . .by asking your partner how they feel about your love making.  In this way you are allowing them to express themselves and will get more than a one word response.  You can also take the role of ownership and start out with something like, “I’ve noticed the last time in bed (or wherever) I felt like we were not in sync or that something was missing.” This should also result in a dialogue, giving your partner some room to respond.  You can also take a subtle light-hearted and funny approach, like suggesting something risqué or different.  If your partner is willing to be adventurous this may be just the thing to add some sizzle to your lovemaking. Remember, the goal is to get your partner to open up about how they feel about your intimacy and for you to express your feelings.  If you are truly a couple in love or in strong like, then the two of you should be able to tell each other what you like and what you need. Stay away from what you don’t like or you may run the risk of hurt feelings and making your partner feel insecure or unsure as to whether or not they have been pleasing you all along. 

It’s your body, your time and your pleasure and orgasm (yes, I said it) we’re talking about.  If sex is something that we chose to partake in and enjoy as opposed to a chore, then we also have to chose to be willing to talk about our needs. If you truly don’t think that you can talk to your partner about your intimate needs and desires, then perhaps it’s time to consider the level of honest communication you and your partner are on. It is amazing how as a society we are bombarded with images of sex and intimacy, yet many relationships deteriorate due to the inability to ask and talk about what the other person needs leading up to, during and after sex. Just because we have the tools and the freedom to do what we
choose with our bodies does not mean we always know what to do with them when it comes to pleasing our partners.

The fact that sex therapy continues to be a thriving practice, and has been since 1970 when Masters and Johnson reported success in treating more than 80 percent of their clients who experienced sexual dysfunction,  is proof that thousands of people are taking their sex lives seriously enough to take action. There is less embarrassment in seeking help than continuing to uphold a façade that all is well.  

Remember, we engage in what we believe will give us pleasure. Ultimately, we need to let our conscience and our body be our guide and do whatever feels right. Speaking up about it is the first step. 

Anyway, that's the way I see it.